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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Minor revelation

Nothing earth-shattering, for sure, but when I was sitting in church today I did have a minor revelation about something.

Back in January, in the midst of a not-so-pleasant conversation, Jeff asked me if I was happy.

"(sniff, sob)...sometimes," I answered.

He asked me what would make me happy, and sadly, I didn't even know. I told him how I never really had an opportunity to find my "thing". I've been raising kids since I was 19. I'm not complaining--my kids are blessings and my own doing, for sure--but I've been parenting and working and going to school and married to first one man and then another. I've always done whatever it is that my husband wants to do. With Jeff, we do a lot of camping, we watch a lot of movies, and we go to sporting events. And I love those things. But they're none of them "my" things. I didn't even know what I'd want to do if given the opportunity.

Well, in church today I realized (kind of out of nowhere, because it had nothing to do with the message...except I guess just in looking at what God has done in my life over the past 6 months) that biking has become that "thing". I wasn't looking for it to or planning for that, but it has taken that place.

Of course, that leads to some reconfiguration in our lives. It has been a real adjustment for Jeff that I have something apart from "us" to do. I've tried to interest him in cycling, but he couldn't be much less interested in either participating himself or just being involved in what I'm doing there. I guess he's accustomed to me being available (for the most part) for whatever, and now I have other plans. He's been fairly supportive (understanding that I needed to be riding to train for the Katy Trail ride), but sometimes I wonder if that's wearing thin for him as he realizes that it wasn't just a one-time ride but is, instead, more of a lifestyle change.

It's going to be interesting for me to balance this new love with still making my husband feel secure and loved and still fulfilling my role in our family. I'm not quite sure how that'll work out. And I hope, additionally, that he can find (or return to) something of his own so it doesn't seem so one-sided to him.

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