Saturday, December 8, 2012

My own worst enemy

Today I went to one of my favorite races at a place I love and had what feels right now, at least, like the worst race of my life.  This is saying something, even just in terms of my three Pere Marquette races, since my very first outing here featured ankle deep mud and a smoking 18:09 min/mile pace over 7.8 miles.  This year wasn't my worst race in terms of results, which were acceptable --certainly better than I deserve.  Instead it was my worst race experience, something which had nothing to do with the venue, the organizers, or the race itself and everything to do with my head.

This is a beautiful drive in the fall.
It didn't start out that way.  I've been excited about the race and happily drove to Grafton in this morning's chilly fog.



After "helping" set up the start/finish line and then hanging out and visiting with friends in the great hall of the Lodge (though I think I missed about half my friends who were there), I headed towards the start line.  Though I left in plenty of time to make my wave, I still managed to miss my start when a couple guys, having seen so many Skippo shirts, asked me about the race.  I talked with them briefly and then turned to see my wave run off.  Oops.

Here you can see me realizing "Oops! I forgot to turn on my Garmin, " as I leave one wave late.

I jumped into the next wave, to the vast amusement of Jacob and Gary, and spent the first .25 mile turning on my Garmin.  While I'd been irritated about still having such a high wave assignment (19 as opposed to last year's 25), the first mile proved that I actually belonged further back.  As soon as the course started to climb I was dragging.  Jacob and Gary were long gone, Lo ran by with some encouraging words, and then person after person passed me with authority.

It was so demoralizing.  I tried telling myself that the first mile is always tough, it would get better after the first mile.  Of course, mile one ended up on one of the long hills, and it did not get better.

It doesn't look so terrible in the picture, but it goes on forever.
Being someone who makes a habit of running (or riding) races untrained, I'm used to not feeling great, but this was different.  I had to walk once briefly because of my knee and had minute or so when my hip was speaking up, but otherwise my legs behaved.  My breathing was really ragged, though, and I never got into a rhythm.  I wasn't having fun.  The day was gray, but the temperature was perfect for running.  It had rained the night before, but the majority of the trail had drained well.  While I recognized those things, I couldn't appreciate them.   Two miles in, I wanted to quit, but without any excuses I ran on, enveloped in my cloud of negativity.


One good thing about this year was that I was able to appreciate the downhills. There's a lot of up and down in this race, but typically all I focus on are the uphills. This year, the downhills were my saving grace.

I carried my own water, so I skipped the first two water stops (saying hi to Cheri and Judy) and passed a few people there.  Normally I'm not fast but I tend to get stronger as I go on.  By about the halfway point today, though, I was realizing I'd screwed up with food.  I'd had my usual almonds and coffee for breakfast and had also eaten a Clif bar about 40 minutes before the race.  Turns out that wasn't enough, and by the 4-mile mark I was teetering on the edge of a bonk.

At least I wasn't the only one struggling on the hills.
After struggling up the big hill after mile 4, we had a combination of downhill and flats.  I tried to talk advantage of the downhills but had to do a little walking on one gentle uphill.  In the distance I kept hearing a Tarzan yell.  Running again, I turned to a girl I was passing and muttered, "Somebody's having way more fun than me right now."

Tarzan had most welcome news: "There's a water stop ahead...and they have M&M's." His animation and good mood were contagious, and I smiled for the first time of the race as another Tarzan yell sounded behind me.  Those M&M's were a life saver! I grabbed a big handful and walked while I shoved them into my mouth.  I don't know whether it was the sugar or just a mental lift, but my running was a lot better after that.  "Better" being a very relative term.

Mile 6 crosses the park road between the Lodge and the visitor's center, and the cheers from spectators there were really nice.  JB, who'd finished an an hour, was standing there and asked if I wanted company.  "Yes, please!" He jumped in, started running, and asked what he could do to help.  Since carrying me would probably be considered cheating, I chose distraction.  I tried a little to hold up my end of the conversation but was too busy trying to breathe.

This stretch of the race features a steep hill followed by steep steps, and to add insult to injury there's more hill at the top of the steps.  "OK," JB coached, "When you get to the top of this hill it's all downhill and you're going to run the rest of the way in."  That's not exactly how it happened, but I did run most of the rest of the way.  While I have a lot of room for improvement, one area my running has improved is in going downhill.  I'm not flying down with abandon, but I've gained a lot more confidence and that paid off today.  I passed several people on the last downhill stretch.

Photo credit: Cheri Becker, who said, "Look super!"  I didn't manage super, but I was able to at least fake a smile.
The last third mile or so of the course is flat, which was much harder for me than the downhill.  My friend Jim was waiting where the course flattened out and ran with me the rest of the way.  His encouragement was a huge help because I was struggling to keep going and wanted the race OVER.  I wasn't even happy when I crossed the finish line, just relieved.

Couldn't even fake a smile this time.
Photo credit: Brent Newman
For anyone who's thinking, Hey dumbass, of course you weren't going to have a great race...you've run 3 miles since the November 10 Skippo race... you're exactly right.  And the thing is, I didn't expect a great race or really even a good race.  I knew I'd have a hard time.  I assumed I'd be lucky to finish within 10-20 minutes of last year's time.  And that was ok.  As long as I beat my 2010 nadir I'd be content.

Goal met. So why am I so unhappy?
Looking at the results, I'm honestly shocked that I was so close to last year's time.  I'm content with the results, but not with how I felt.  Always in the past, I've been happy to compete and just see what happened.  Today, for the first time, the cost of racing untrained outweighed the joy of racing.  It sucks to go out and feel like crap and know that you only have yourself to blame.  I keep learning and re-learning this lesson, and I told my friends today that I'm done with not training.  It might be badass to occasionally jump into something untrained, but to do it repeatedly is a bad habbit, and when it makes you unhappy it's just stupid.

14 comments:

Hannah said...

Lesson learned, right? ;)

Didn't you spend a lot of the last month being sick? Not that I'm making excuses for you, but being sick IS a good excuse. If that were the case.

I want to read about your training for your next race, okay? But you're still a badass, no matter what.

A Journey to a new me... said...

You participate in a ton of amazing races. Very beautiful scenery, great camaraderie...and even when you don't feel it-you kick ass during those races. I wish I could be half as great as you! seriously.

Kate said...

Thanks, guys. :)

Yes, I was sick for 2 weeks, but I'm feeling much better now and it's pretty likely I wouldn't have run much if I'd been well. Maybe I felt so lousy because I had to work a lot harder this year to have a similar result, and maybe I need to suck it up and remember what it's like to push hard enough to hurt. But probably a big part of my major lack of enjoyment was being passed so much. Need to let go of being competitive when I'm not working for the results I want.

brg said...

love your little chart....and to be so close to last year's results while feeling so bad is a big accomplishment. Mid pack in your AG - that's nothing to sneeze at. That's great you were loving the downhill - "free speed!"

Sorry that you were so down on yourself tho. Sounds like this maybe the tipping point for changing your MO for racing.

Mike said...

Sorry you had such a rough race. Maybe it was because it's the last race of the year and you know the post race blues are coming?

Got any Super races in mind for next year?

Jill said...

Sorry the race was so tough mentally! I fully get that feeling. I was perfectly content racing everything I could get my hands on all year, untrained for any of it, until the end of the year when I ran Chicago ... I think that race was a turning point for me because I just want to feel great racing again, and a mediocre effort due to lack of training isn't cutting it in my head. Anyway, that was a little too much "me", as always :)....but just wanted to say that I fully get how you felt. Maybe this race for you was my Chicago race for me and you'll turn a new corner with your training. Congratulations on another amazing accomplishment though...looks like it was a really fun course! One day I hope we can run a trail race together! :)

Anonymous said...

There really is no substitute for training. You have such natural ability I think you could be super duper Kate with proper time in training.

Michelle Dragoo said...

Looks like a tough course hon, you should be so proud!

Abby @ Have Dental Floss, Will Travel said...

I've totally been there - whether because of lack of training or something else, where the crummy experience of the race outweighed the fun. Such a sucky feeling, even if it's totally justified.

File this one away and call it the start of training toward a good season in 2013 :)

Patrick Mahoney said...

You where just sick right? Takes a minute to bounce back. Your next race will be spot on amazing, that's how this stuff works...

Estetik said...

Man Im really Sorry for what happened. Best of Luck to You.
Estetik

chris mcpeake said...

Way to dig down and get it done. Sometimes it just sucks out there and all you can do is keep moving forward. I find the races that I have had a tough time make the great runs / races even sweeter.

ajh said...

Sorry you felt so badly as it looks like you didn't do badly at all. But feeling badly is the pitts. Hope your next race is a better one. And you're still my hero.

Luke said...

I completely understand how you feel. I've decided that 2013 will be the year of less races, but hopefully BETTER races. I'm hoping to make it a quality over quantity year.

(Ir)regardless, you had a great race, all things considered. But I know it's tough knowing you could have done better.

The good news is, we have 9 months or so to prepare for The Thunder Rolls!