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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Communication and other disasters

One of the on-going issues that I've been struggling with is my relationship with my husband. The hardest thing, I think, is that the problem isn't him...it's me. I'm very lucky. I know it. I have been married for 6 years now to a wonderful man and a great father, and he loves the heck out of me. Despite my many, many faults.

Yes, I can hear you thinking, I can see why you'd have a problem with that. Haha. I know.

But here's the thing. I'm bored. And, honestly, not all that interested in what he has to say. Or, often, I don't believe his reality. Not that he's lying. Not at all. But you know how people talk to you about the things that happen to them during the day and you don't share their perception of events or motives? That's it.

And, too, he's easy. When we were engaged, my mom told me that she was afraid he was too nice for me. I was a little offended: "What? You want me to marry someone who'll be mean to me? You don't think I deserve someone nice?" That, of course, wasn't what she meant. And I get it now. She meant, I think, that I need someone who'll challenge me and push me and keep me on my toes, and he doesn't.

We go through periods where every word out of his mouth makes me want to smack him. In fact, he doesn't even have to talk to annoy me. And he's not doing anything wrong. Now, I grant you that some of this is related to some serious PMS-related depression, but who would want to live with someone who can't stand you for 2 weeks out of every month? (Thank goodness it's not always that bad, but it can be). And he's that rare man who is very willing to discuss issues and problems in an open manner, but how do we "fix" something that is primarily a problem inside of me? It's not like he's doing something "wrong" to upset me. So I don't talk about it, and he rides out the storm until his wife comes back eventually.

Even when my raging hormones aren't causing me to despise him, when I'm really trying to show an interest in him and be a decent wife, it seems like we have so little to talk about. I think back to when we were dating, and we talked a lot. I talk a lot, anyway. I can spend 2 hours on the phone with my friends. Daily. :) I can text message another friend for hours talking about everything and nothing. How is it that I have nothing to say to the man who shares my life?

I know one problem between us is that I've gotten lazy. When we were dating, we did a ton of stuff together. Now, it was a lot easier because the older boys were gone every other weekend. It was like having a regular, free babysitter who, in fact, occasionally paid you (only occasionally since my ex-husband is terminally bad with money). With a child who doesn't leave every other weekend and busy teenage kids, our free time has taken a big hit (as well as our finances).

Beyond that, though, I also used to be interested in doing things with him. It didn't really matter what. I was just glad to be with him. Now, if he's out working in the yard, I'm generally doing something in the house. If he's driving the car, I'm reading. We don't do a lot of "little" things together where you have the opportunity to just talk. And I know that he misses that. And I know there's more to being a wife than just cooking dinner. So, I'm praying about it and working on my attitude and actions. He deserves to be loved the way that he loves me.

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